[QD] Grasping for Straws

It’s somewhat nice having goals, a bucket list of things you want to do. Things you want to make. They give you a definite direction to trudge on. But as time goes, you get sidetracked and invested into other temporary nuances, and you are slowly being re-written into something you’re not.

And slowly, your goals change to COMFORTABLY fit into your life. Excuses compounding upon more excuses, you dismiss the goals you originally have to gun for realistic ones. And that is something I sorely want to stop.

Complacency

Comfy

Mediocrity

Reading into personality/character definitions, whether it be through some tests or interpretations (eg. zodiac, archetype, etc). You unconsciously agree to some ideas as only SOME of them resonates with you, but seeing that you ‘belong’ to such a group, you slowly change depending on the mold it is defined with. I’ve known for a long time that I actually welcome change, but as a ‘taurus’ having reservations for change, it slowly molded me into something I’m not.

My now rigid outlook on things, despite how open-minded I am to various ideas, is now making me less cognizant of the bigger picture. These changes are not limited to just my outlook; how I tackle problems and issues, and many more, are changing because of it.

For example, playing Circle in WMH will make you want to play with subtlety and trickery. But playing it further in Manila’s meta makes you want to play defensively with a cold, calculating style. This was compounded further when I started playing other games that seemingly syncs up with that play style. And suddenly, my old knack of making aggressive, yet rewarding, decisions in a short moment takes the back stage. And that was what my guildie friends have known me for: timely decisions. And when I try to rekindle that feeling, I felt conflicted as it is no longer in my zone of comfort. PvP was unfamiliar to me.

Ironic.

I am conflicted in so many things about myself. And right now, trying to return to my old self, I look for ways and excuses to get motivated. And as I draw, I slowly ask myself

“Is this how I really want to draw?”

I know I can do better.

And that’s probably why its hard for me to draw right now.

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[QD] Lost and bound

Writing this in the middle of the night, my old habit of trying to write out my ideas was denied by my procrastination. I have a few things working on pre and post day job shift. Moving from one thing to another, and at times I tend to get myself overwhelmed by the many things I want to do.

So many projects, so many goals. Excuses pile upon excuses, and I end up starting my days drained and devoid of motivation. Not even doing much progress in any of the projects, I get sidetracked to so many other things: games, social media, even work is eating me inside.

Working with the notion of trying to make the most of my time (ever since my commute got shorter after moving to boni), I tried to be productive in those side projects. But as most freedoms go: the more you gain, the more responsibilities it entails. Minor neglects became inconveniences, inconveniences turned to excuses, excuses turned to roadblocks. And roadblocks, well, gets me stuck. And here I am, trying to climb over it.

source here

My first attempt, after a long time, my bottled up frustrations coming out. And after all that, the lines felt empty. Flat. Lifeless. The glimmered drive I had when drawing is now aimless. I can throw in so many excuses, but that will only save my ego

~unless

Unless

Such a strong word; A hope for a change. A condition to turn things for the better. At the moment, I can’t define it myself. But writing makes me feel better, and hopefully, I might find what I’ve lost.