It’s somewhat nice having goals, a bucket list of things you want to do. Things you want to make. They give you a definite direction to trudge on. But as time goes, you get sidetracked and invested into other temporary nuances, and you are slowly being re-written into something you’re not.
And slowly, your goals change to COMFORTABLY fit into your life. Excuses compounding upon more excuses, you dismiss the goals you originally have to gun for realistic ones. And that is something I sorely want to stop.
Reading into personality/character definitions, whether it be through some tests or interpretations (eg. zodiac, archetype, etc). You unconsciously agree to some ideas as only SOME of them resonates with you, but seeing that you ‘belong’ to such a group, you slowly change depending on the mold it is defined with. I’ve known for a long time that I actually welcome change, but as a ‘taurus’ having reservations for change, it slowly molded me into something I’m not.
My now rigid outlook on things, despite how open-minded I am to various ideas, is now making me less cognizant of the bigger picture. These changes are not limited to just my outlook; how I tackle problems and issues, and many more, are changing because of it.
For example, playing Circle in WMH will make you want to play with subtlety and trickery. But playing it further in Manila’s meta makes you want to play defensively with a cold, calculating style. This was compounded further when I started playing other games that seemingly syncs up with that play style. And suddenly, my old knack of making aggressive, yet rewarding, decisions in a short moment takes the back stage. And that was what my guildie friends have known me for: timely decisions. And when I try to rekindle that feeling, I felt conflicted as it is no longer in my zone of comfort. PvP was unfamiliar to me.
I am conflicted in so many things about myself. And right now, trying to return to my old self, I look for ways and excuses to get motivated. And as I draw, I slowly ask myself
“Is this how I really want to draw?”
I know I can do better.
And that’s probably why its hard for me to draw right now.