[QD] Stalemate

A lot of progress recently, mainly on keeping up the habit of finding the time to work on my doodles and world building. I actually have a few drafts that I want to iron out as my high concept. In a few weeks I’ll move back to digital drawing and continue from there, I have so many wips on my tablet at the moment. Mostly stalled because I got sidetracked when focusing on my day job, and me trying to catch up to my game backlog (curse you, Q1 2017).

There is so much I want to work on but time has been fleeting for me. I think I’m at this impasse where I have to give up something big if I really want significant progress.

Anyways, day job has been hectic but it should soon simmer down once Prod release kicks in. I’ve breezed through Horizon: Zero Dawn, fell hard for Nier Automata’s story telling, and adapted to Nioh’s odd formula for a souls game. Now trying to play through P5 and probably shift to Gravity Rush 2 afterwards.

Here’s to more struggling.

[QD] Unmade and Waiting

Your unborn world is waiting for you, so it can join the millions of stories in existence, like stars in a galaxy.

– Meteora, Re:CREATORS

Just a random quote I found while catching up on my anime backlog. This struck me hard as I felt that I’ve been stalling for a while now for it. The worldweaving, the storybuilding, its been there all the time, waiting for me to pull myself out of my rut.

Its somewhat ironic that one of my main diversions is indirectly urging me to go back. And while I can conveniently blame 2017’s Q1 game releases, it has always been me who made the choice to stall.

I guess I need to start by saying “Day one”, instead of “One day” when I plan for my aspirations.

Now that my random musing is out of the way, here is a quick doodle today at work.

Still need more practise on the lips (and probably everything else too)

[QD] Chaos, Beautiful and Contradicting

For a long while, my friends have known me for being reflective and analytical of whatever events, be it real or in fiction, and how it affects its viewers while trying to convey its message or reach its agenda. It helps me deconstruct narratives down and help me learn a bit more about various storytelling styles. It has been almost a reflex of mine to quickly step back and assess what a scene is trying to do, intentionally or not, to its audience.

But through that, it detached me from the world for far too long. Making me unfeeling, devoid, and warped at times. The best I can do ‘normally’ was reacting to humour. Sure, when tapped to my interests, I do exude this passion that expands the spectrum. But outside that, the calm demeanor steps in, straightens my back, and pushes me to live my days in monotony.

And because of this, I keep struggling with my doodles. Practices are aimless when its unfeeling and lifeless. Only at some rare events where I felt compelled to draw that I can feel and MAKE it look the way I wanted. Though I can usually attribute it to my confidence and skill making it turn out like that. Or I can attribute it to something that has been consistently there: my lack of empathy.

In an attempt to rekindle it, I began lowering my Walls. Bit by bit, my safety locks that kept me steadfast and prudent were unshackled. And when the chaos finally floods in, everything started to gradually resonate from me with honesty.

The unhindered anger that swims against the tide. The consuming depression stifling the sounds of everyday life. The anxiety that shadowed my complacency. They were there, they were all there.

The noise.

The Chaos.

It left me a wreck, it left me crippled and heavy. It left me afraid and uncertain.

Making it hard for me to breathe. Labouring with spikes piercing through my chest.

And everything felt foreign and uncanny. As I skip my stop and ventured further into unknown places.

In the midst of this maelstrom, I found my pen, my anchor. Both moving and secured, it reeled me in despite the currents.

I am still a wreck. I am still in pain. The noise is still far from silenced. The outcome even looks the same as before. I still struggle. I am still the same as before, but with more wounds.

But this time, I feel that I can start being honest with myself again.

This time, I feel that I can finally grow true to what I wanted from the beginning.