As if time has stopped, news about my dad’s cancer situation froze me. I was shaken for a long while, even after he was able to power through successful operations and is now undergoing recuperation. Something, I guess, weighed on me, keeping me in place. Despite how much I try to kept walking, I ended up stalling for the most trivial reasons. And I have this convenient excuse to allow me to be less hard on myself whenever I feel in a slump.
At some point, I was afraid to face him. I have this image of him in my head that became the foundations to help me steel myself. It helped me power through these passed 15 years without a father figure. And now, seeing him this vulnerable, somewhat weakened my resolve.
Day in and out, this stasis, this monotony, is suffering that I’d allow myself to take. Hours felt long while days wither out in a time lapse. Procrastination has been confidante for months. The self imposed anguish was a chaos that I allowed myself to submerge to. But its never a pain that I want to embrace. And it took me months to will myself into realising that such pain will never change what is currently happening.
My blank page stared at me all this time, waiting to be filled with whatever ephemeral burst of inspiration I can encase. Oddly, as if for some completely fleeting urge, let myself draw with all that pent up frustrations. I don’t exactly feel great drawing some of them, but I think its something I need to exhaust so that I can breathe again.
Again, more mindless meanderings from me.