It’s somewhat nice having goals, a bucket list of things you want to do. Things you want to make. They give you a definite direction to trudge on. But as time goes, you get sidetracked and invested into other temporary nuances, and you are slowly being re-written into something you’re not.
And slowly, your goals change to COMFORTABLY fit into your life. Excuses compounding upon more excuses, you dismiss the goals you originally have to gun for realistic ones. And that is something I sorely want to stop.
Reading into personality/character definitions, whether it be through some tests or interpretations (eg. zodiac, archetype, etc). You unconsciously agree to some ideas as only SOME of them resonates with you, but seeing that you ‘belong’ to such a group, you slowly change depending on the mold it is defined with. I’ve known for a long time that I actually welcome change, but as a ‘taurus’ having reservations for change, it slowly molded me into something I’m not.
My now rigid outlook on things, despite how open-minded I am to various ideas, is now making me less cognizant of the bigger picture. These changes are not limited to just my outlook; how I tackle problems and issues, and many more, are changing because of it.
For example, playing Circle in WMH will make you want to play with subtlety and trickery. But playing it further in Manila’s meta makes you want to play defensively with a cold, calculating style. This was compounded further when I started playing other games that seemingly syncs up with that play style. And suddenly, my old knack of making aggressive, yet rewarding, decisions in a short moment takes the back stage. And that was what my guildie friends have known me for: timely decisions. And when I try to rekindle that feeling, I felt conflicted as it is no longer in my zone of comfort. PvP was unfamiliar to me.
I am conflicted in so many things about myself. And right now, trying to return to my old self, I look for ways and excuses to get motivated. And as I draw, I slowly ask myself
Writing this in the middle of the night, my old habit of trying to write out my ideas was denied by my procrastination. I have a few things working on pre and post day job shift. Moving from one thing to another, and at times I tend to get myself overwhelmed by the many things I want to do.
So many projects, so many goals. Excuses pile upon excuses, and I end up starting my days drained and devoid of motivation. Not even doing much progress in any of the projects, I get sidetracked to so many other things: games, social media, even work is eating me inside.
Working with the notion of trying to make the most of my time (ever since my commute got shorter after moving to boni), I tried to be productive in those side projects. But as most freedoms go: the more you gain, the more responsibilities it entails. Minor neglects became inconveniences, inconveniences turned to excuses, excuses turned to roadblocks. And roadblocks, well, gets me stuck. And here I am, trying to climb over it.
My first attempt, after a long time, my bottled up frustrations coming out. And after all that, the lines felt empty. Flat. Lifeless. The glimmered drive I had when drawing is now aimless. I can throw in so many excuses, but that will only save my ego
Such a strong word; A hope for a change. A condition to turn things for the better. At the moment, I can’t define it myself. But writing makes me feel better, and hopefully, I might find what I’ve lost.
Ever since getting an n3DS for Fire Emblem Fates (started out with Conquest), my free time has been funnelled into the game trying to make Classic-Lunatic work (without any casualties). This means tons and tons of resets on chapter 10 just to survive. “orz
But it was a decision I’ve made and never regretted. I am still a firm believer that the Lunatic difficulty is carefully designed to be finished with no deaths on your team. And it is something I strive for. Its more of me not succumbing to a poor tactic by sacrificing characters just for a mission to succeed. Still in chapter 11 after a week or so, but I’m not rushing the game. (Well, unless The Division pulls me away from the game)
That aside, I’ve been neglecting my daily practice on the guitar and sketching. And that’s what I have to change. Work has been more tiring but the stress is manageable. I guess playing games like Fire Emblem, where your mind is being squeezed out and mistakes (including bad RNG luck) gives you more stress than work has, is making things at work seem more amendable.
Sadly, my doodling/sketches took a hit as well, I’m doing more practices but they were never completed. I need to aim again to 1-2 complete sketches a week to practice. Weekly stints on tutorials and whatnots that help expand my skills. Almost an entire month has passed and I’m only able to churn out one. Still not happy with this as I know I can do better. Here is a quick doodle of Kameko’s cosplay (link here)
Funny thing about this is that the more I stare at it, the more I want to redo everything. Eyes aren’t aligned and I’m relying on the photo too much instead of trusting my instincts and wing it. Oh well, I think I can get out of this weird slump by trying to draw Fire Emblem characters (I still have plans on drawing Rose from Zestiria as well)
With all of the stuff (that I need to keep tabs on) going on, I still end up wasting time in social media. Work gets a bit frustrating as I find more and more roadblocks as I find alternatives to solutions.
But as far as dev work goes, there will always be a work-around or solution to problems, or we compromise and find something that can work for everyone.
On the flip side, during these stumped situations where I (become idle and) get to draw more decently than my usual impulse. This one is a quick 30min doodle of JasperZ’s stunning Sheryl Nome cosplay (link here).
I really love the details on the costume, as this is something I want to replicate when I draw. Too bad I can’t go all out with the pencil. “orz
There a lot of mistakes here but they’ll get fixed later on, need to get back to work. XD
Another quick doodle for me. Was planning to draw Terri’s lovely Winter Wonder Lulu cosplay (link later) sooner but I was out for the One OK Rock concert the day after she uploaded her cosplay pic.
Please check out her profile, I really like her LoL and KanColle cosplays.
On the flip side, I’m getting back to writing. All in the while, going through the various tutorials in Unity3D. I’m considering getting either 3D modelling/animation classes or piano lessons this year. Either way, the work load has been light enough recently to let me draw.
Song playlist for me recently, especially when drawing, are mainly piano pieces from various sources (movies, anime, games, etc). It kinda helped me draw in a nice mood than listening to rock. It also explains me revisiting Deemo recently. XD
Will try to draw more and probably try posting here some of my short stories. I still have this anxiety of having people proof read my work, but I guess I’ll have to go through it if I want to improve.
Okay, its actually something I usually look forward to (aside from the weekend, of course). Work has been draggy recently and I’m left pretty unmotivated in the mornings. My usual daily grind involves me working passed my shift just to accommodate a daily meeting that I have very little participation/updates coming in.
But still, in between breaks and random stuff at work I still manage to get around doodling something. This time, its one of Ely’s cosplays.
The objective here was to try drawing without patterns on a portrait while trying to make it as close to the orig pic as I can (link to be added when I get home).
The challenge started with just drawing her left eye with the glasses frame. From there the right eye, then hair down to her lips (w/c is something I’m really not comfy drawing) and finally, her hands.
Drawing the hands is a challenge to me as the photo composition makes clever use of the shades to give her some depth, something I can’t do easily unless I try some makeshift shading along the way. But still, I finally pull through and actually like how it turns out.
Will try to do more of these for this year. Lack of updates coming in coz I’m swamped at work and games eating up my time at home.
Pretty uneventful new year for me. Just been making more opportunities for me to stay at home instead of resting up in Valenzuela. The new rig has been keeping me at home, catching up w/ the PC games esp Guild Wars 2. It came to a point where I completely ignored Fallout 4. I’ll post the specs sometime later. So far, I’m just trying to catch up w/ a lot of things.
Getting the new PC finally allowed me to get back to a lot of things I put aside because of my laptop’s issues. I can continue with Unity Dev, get back to using PTSai, back to LoL, and of course, MOAR GAEMZ.
With this kind of start for 2016, I’m so looking forward to learning new things. Hopefully I won’t get stuck in FB or any unnecessary time sink that’ll keep me preoccupied.
Anyways, vacation ended last week and I still had a lot of derping coming into work back in Monday. But one thing’s for sure, I really missed drawing. 2 quick ones to scratch the itch XD