As if time has stopped, news about my dad’s cancer situation froze me. I was shaken for a long while, even after he was able to power through successful operations and is now undergoing recuperation. Something, I guess, weighed on me, keeping me in place. Despite how much I try to kept walking, I ended up stalling for the most trivial reasons. And I have this convenient excuse to allow me to be less hard on myself whenever I feel in a slump.
At some point, I was afraid to face him. I have this image of him in my head that became the foundations to help me steel myself. It helped me power through these passed 15 years without a father figure. And now, seeing him this vulnerable, somewhat weakened my resolve.
Day in and out, this stasis, this monotony, is suffering that I’d allow myself to take. Hours felt long while days wither out in a time lapse. Procrastination has been confidante for months. The self imposed anguish was a chaos that I allowed myself to submerge to. But its never a pain that I want to embrace. And it took me months to will myself into realising that such pain will never change what is currently happening.
My blank page stared at me all this time, waiting to be filled with whatever ephemeral burst of inspiration I can encase. Oddly, as if for some completely fleeting urge, let myself draw with all that pent up frustrations. I don’t exactly feel great drawing some of them, but I think its something I need to exhaust so that I can breathe again.
Again, more mindless meanderings from me.
While work has been on/off for me because of the project’s “volatility”, I’m left with this awkward tempo of shifting between idle, or extremely busy. Though despite the manageable stress at work, I’ve noticed that I am slowly becoming more irritable on the most random and trivial things. Perhaps the restlessness I have whenever I’m at home or at work, and everything in between, has made me want to stop and reflect on a few things; And a lot of these recollections and epiphanies somehow agitates me. Knowing how helpless and hopeful I am at the same time made me hate the contradictions that envelops me.
The noise that I’ve embraced is still there, it never gave me comfort. And I plan on keeping it that way until it can etch me a canvas. Though it is less aggressive now as the chaos from somewhere else is trying to get my attention, worries from the home front and other neglected aspects of my life are starting to eat up this space. And while I found refuge in circles and games, I know that this escapism won’t keep me sane; It will break me sooner or later.
The pen has been heavy at times, and I envy the ones who seem that they can’t stop from doing what they can. But I guess they too have their own struggles and anxieties that they swim through; Maybe they too feel this warped feeling that prevents them from moving.
And yet they still move.
I am a walking contradiction. And I am the one who wants to be walking but choose to stand still. I am probably going to try and wade through this murky waters and still find myself floating aimlessly.
I just need to move. Any how, any way.
What that direction is~ is irrelevant, what’s important and symbolic is that I’m moving; As long as its moving.
It’s somewhat nice having goals, a bucket list of things you want to do. Things you want to make. They give you a definite direction to trudge on. But as time goes, you get sidetracked and invested into other temporary nuances, and you are slowly being re-written into something you’re not.
And slowly, your goals change to COMFORTABLY fit into your life. Excuses compounding upon more excuses, you dismiss the goals you originally have to gun for realistic ones. And that is something I sorely want to stop.
Reading into personality/character definitions, whether it be through some tests or interpretations (eg. zodiac, archetype, etc). You unconsciously agree to some ideas as only SOME of them resonates with you, but seeing that you ‘belong’ to such a group, you slowly change depending on the mold it is defined with. I’ve known for a long time that I actually welcome change, but as a ‘taurus’ having reservations for change, it slowly molded me into something I’m not.
My now rigid outlook on things, despite how open-minded I am to various ideas, is now making me less cognizant of the bigger picture. These changes are not limited to just my outlook; how I tackle problems and issues, and many more, are changing because of it.
For example, playing Circle in WMH will make you want to play with subtlety and trickery. But playing it further in Manila’s meta makes you want to play defensively with a cold, calculating style. This was compounded further when I started playing other games that seemingly syncs up with that play style. And suddenly, my old knack of making aggressive, yet rewarding, decisions in a short moment takes the back stage. And that was what my guildie friends have known me for: timely decisions. And when I try to rekindle that feeling, I felt conflicted as it is no longer in my zone of comfort. PvP was unfamiliar to me.
I am conflicted in so many things about myself. And right now, trying to return to my old self, I look for ways and excuses to get motivated. And as I draw, I slowly ask myself
“Is this how I really want to draw?”
I know I can do better.
And that’s probably why its hard for me to draw right now.
Writing this in the middle of the night, my old habit of trying to write out my ideas was denied by my procrastination. I have a few things working on pre and post day job shift. Moving from one thing to another, and at times I tend to get myself overwhelmed by the many things I want to do.
So many projects, so many goals. Excuses pile upon excuses, and I end up starting my days drained and devoid of motivation. Not even doing much progress in any of the projects, I get sidetracked to so many other things: games, social media, even work is eating me inside.
Working with the notion of trying to make the most of my time (ever since my commute got shorter after moving to boni), I tried to be productive in those side projects. But as most freedoms go: the more you gain, the more responsibilities it entails. Minor neglects became inconveniences, inconveniences turned to excuses, excuses turned to roadblocks. And roadblocks, well, gets me stuck. And here I am, trying to climb over it.
My first attempt, after a long time, my bottled up frustrations coming out. And after all that, the lines felt empty. Flat. Lifeless. The glimmered drive I had when drawing is now aimless. I can throw in so many excuses, but that will only save my ego
Such a strong word; A hope for a change. A condition to turn things for the better. At the moment, I can’t define it myself. But writing makes me feel better, and hopefully, I might find what I’ve lost.
Long overdue vacation~ finally!! \o/
And I’m just going to be lazy and stop being an adult for a while. So many games, so little time. Finally done with Tales of Zestiria and has moved on to Fallout4. I’m trying out a ninja blitzer build for my character, so far it has answers to a lot of things the wasteland throws at me.
As a last doodle for the year (because I left my sketchpad in the office), I went back to some of Kameko’s cosplay pics. Really love her works.
It’s been a while since I last tried to draw this realistic. I had a lot of troubles with the lips (as usual), and her eyes gave me a bit more trouble with the alignment than I expected. I am getting sluggish again (blaming work because of it lolz)
Was working on a few poses for Zestiria’s Rose (wind kamui form). Hopefully I can finish one next year.
Been weeks since I last worked on something serious. Tales of Zestiria has been eating up my time at home. And by the time I got burned out by the game, I swapped to FFXIV. Lo and behold: my White Mage and Paladin reached max level on the same weekend. With my Summoner trailing behind at lv58.
And because of Zestiria, I wasn’t able to get some decent sleep over the weeknights. I have been dozing off more times than when I was playing MGSV. On the other hand, work load has been a bit lenient recently. Still working on the remaining stuff for the project, with the occasional table flip moments at work. The project started off on the wrong foot and we’re left trying to fix things along the way.
December is fast approaching, and I’m starting to look into stuff that I can build for my master race. Its been a while since I’ve played decently on the PC, my laptop’s vidcard is busted so its a glorified social media machine at the moment XD
Meanwhile, this is the best I can squeeze out of my ‘sane’ time at work XD Orig pic is drawn from Shimo’s recent Rory Mercury cosplay (link here). Finished it last Thursday but I forgot to upload it since I’ve been so
I promised myself to focus on the details of the clothes after the previous doodle. So far, it looks okay~ (the more I stare at it, the more hideous it becomes “orz) I’ll try working on a new one without a model/pic to follow. Thinking of Rose from Zestiria (she’s my main atm). That is, if I don’t derp at it again. XD
With Chain Chronicle’s recent demon raid coming to an end, my squeezed up time is now free for other things~ like doodling!! XD
I think I got lucky w/ my pulls (got Hati) as they made the raid so much easier (and the fastest leveling stint I have for one character). Either way, the days have been busy and slow recently and all of them are pretty meh so far. Uneventful days abound, I guess. Zestiria has been giving me a lot to stress, given how the harder difficulty settings (plus the stupid AI) making the game unforgiving. There were times when I just want my team to just avoid the boss and let me dance with it Bloodborne-style (Rose is ozm btw), but they end up derping and make stupid positional errors, getting them killed in the process. So my initial self-imposed difficulty of “No items and not deaths on Hard/Intense diff” ended up as “No items and having no more than 3 deaths in a boss fight on Hard/Intense diff”. XD
On the other hand, since the CC’s Demon Raid event finally ended, I was able to get this out (finally)
Orig source here
The doodle has been sitting on my pad for more than a week now, and just finished it yesterday. The frustrations on the details, especially the headband/cloth, really get to me. I need to have clothes as the main subject for my next doodle if I’m ever going to get passed this struggle. This is really true when I felt satisfied on how the face/head turn out (like my previous one)